September 1, 2014 - The Handsome Squirrel

I changed my route through the forest this morning, looking for some new adventure.  I decided I wanted a picture of some wildlife for this journal.  National Geographic would have been proud of me as I went through a section of the forest known for its tougher inhabitants.  Old Jack warned me about the rowdy critters here, but I thought he was just being overprotective.  Was I ever wrong.

As soon as I entered the “hood,” I knew things were amiss.  A tremendous ruckus was taking place up in a tree between two fierce squirrels who were fighting over the largest acorn I had ever seen.  In their fury and rage, they dropped the acorn but didn’t even notice because they were so busy fighting.  That’s when I snuck in, swiped it, and stealthily backed away.  If it was adventure I was looking for, it was adventure I had found!

Now, a ninja I am not, but I have learned some tricks over the years to keep quiet and unseen when I want to, and it’s not that difficult when there are a bunch of loud-mouthed squirrels screaming insults back and forth about each other’s parentage.  You might think that the fiercest critters in the forest are the fishers or the foxes or the coyotes, but they’re not.  They’re pansies compared to the squirrels.  Squirrels will pelt you with acorns and rocks, hurl through the air incredible distances, land on your head, scratch all the way down your back, and keep on going.  And that’s just when they’re on their way to church.

Suddenly it was very quiet.  They must have noticed the acorn was gone.  I looked down at that beauty in my hand--the best acorn I’ve ever seen--and I just had this unnatural desire to keep it all for myself.  That’s when the alarm was sounded.  They’d formed a posse of the toughest squirrels in the area and they were after me!  I took off like a shot, not paying attention in which direction I was going but just wanting to get away.  All the while, I kept thinking about that acorn.  “Mine!  Mine!” I thought.

The squirrel scout.

That’s when I saw the first squirrel.  They’d sent their tiniest and quickest scout ahead to find me.

“Looks like you’re in quite a pickle,” he said.  The whole time he said it, he kept looking at my closed hand.  So I revealed its treasure, and I could see it was a direct hit on him as his eyes glistened.

“Yep, I guess they’ll get this beauty of an acorn after all,” I said, “But it’s a shame seeing as it’s so big and beautiful.”

“That it is, ugly human, that it is.”

I just twirled it around in my fingers.  “I actually don’t even want it,” I said, “But it’s the principle of the thing.”  He was mesmerized.  My plan was working.

“Yes, principles,” he chattered, “won’t do you any good when the whole dray gets here.”

“You don’t know a way out, do you?” I asked.

“I know a way,” he hissed, “but it will cost you.”

I pretended I didn’t know what he meant.  “I could take your photo,” I said, “But I didn’t know squirrels were so conceited.”

“The acorn.  You give me the acorn, and I show you the way out.”  The sound of the advancing squirrels was getting closer as they were tearing through the tops of the trees.

“What?  This old thing?  I couldn’t care less about it,” I lied, “But what I really want is for you to just smile for the camera while I take your picture.”

That surprised him.  Good.

“Well, I am rather handsome,” he mused, “But we must get away from here first or there will be no photo, no acorn, and no you.”
I agreed wholeheartedly.  He took off like a shot and I followed him as best as I could.

“Hurry up, stupid human, or they’ll find you!”

At long last we were safe out of the hood.

“The acorn,” he said imperiously, “Place it on the ground or so help me, I will scream like a banshee now and they will find you.”

“The photo,” I said, equally imperiously, “You must smile for the camera.”

Well, who would have thought he’d be so conceited.  He smoothed the hair down between his ears, fluffed up his tail, ran a paw quickly across his teeth, posed (rather suggestively I thought), and grinned from ear to ear.  I snapped the photo immediately.  How ridiculous.  I was so glad I had my camera with me because no one would have believed this.

“The acorn, human,” he said dangerously.  I set it down before him as if it were a feast for a king.  I really wanted that acorn, but I figured the photo was a good trade.  Quick as lightning, he snatched it between his jaws and flew up a tree.  The last I saw he was jumping from limb to limb at the top of the forest with the enormous acorn held securely between his teeth.

All in all, it was a good morning and a good photo, but I’m not sure it was worth all the danger.  Squirrels can be vicious, after all, when they’re not worried about their appearance, that is.  What a ham.